This entry was first posted on my Patreon on April 30, 2022 and has been reproduced here in its original form.
Not all delusions are created equal: this is scar tissue, mistaken for toughness. The last two months have been incredibly challenging, more so than all my previous years combined. The child in me feels this is wildly unfair, but when I look to the past, I look to the future, and I just look — I am always exactly where I need to be. Sometimes this feels like the only steadfast comfort I have, until I remember the people who support me unconditionally: my friends and every person who somehow still believes in my work as an artist when I've all but disappeared from this space. I will always have so much to be grateful for, even when it is easy to lose sight of this when certain types of pain take hold, settling into the half-sealed cracks where I have broken before. My goals and my skills have not faded, but it is clear to me now that the quality of my life has been, and always will be, determined by my willpower and choices. Sometimes I choose not to take care of myself, but most of the time I honestly just forget. What's important is that I remember that for as long as my identity is tied to being a maker (weighed by my product and contribution), or being a companion (measured in others), I will suffer. I recognize this trap, at least. My antidote seems to be to come back to this space: to create and share my craft. As always, thank you for your patience while I figure out how to do just that.
Take care and be safe,
Hayden